- [Jason] Ah geez,
I think we might have missed our turn off.
- [Marcus] Well have we or haven't we?
- [Jason] This map's a total dick head,
there's tonnes of shit that's just not on it.
Like that tree, or that plough over there.
- Do I need to turn the cart around or not?
- Nah, we'll be fine.
- Fine, as in we'll definitely end up in Tuscany?
- Yeah, I reckon, all these blue bits at the side.
- Blue bits, do you mean the sea?
- Oh yeah, I do like to be beside the seaside.
- No, that is not what-- - Oh yes!
- I'll have a pint of prawns and a nap on the beach.
- Or a shag on the beach with a local hottie.
That's what I call a holiday.
- It's not a holiday, how many times?
It's a business trip,
to buy wine from a vineyard in Tuscany.
- All right, chill, got it.
Tuscany, not a holiday.
- So are we going the right way or not?
- No, we definitely missed our turn.
- Oh you howling prick, give me that.
- Hey! - Give it here, oh!
- Oh! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
(pig oinking) (men groaning)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, that pig weren't on the map either.
(pig oinking) (dramatic music)
Maw
# When in Rome #
# Do as the Romans do #
# Far from home #
# All I got is you #
- Well, the wheel's a write-off.
- Oh good, because there's bound
to be a mechanic around here.
- The pig's a right off an' all by the sound of things.
- Oh dear, let's do the decent thing
and put it out of its misery.
- Shall I, I'm happy to eat it.
- No, Grumio, there's is nothing decent about that.
Let's just give it a quick, painless death and press on.
- Yeah, cool, go on then.
- I'm not doing it, you do it.
- Your shitty map reading is the only reason
we're on this road.
- All right, aggy, I will.
Right, come on then Mr. Piggy, let's get this over with.
- (sighs) I wish I'd got that extra collision cover now.
- It's a right old rip off though isn't it?
- This is how these rental companies get you.
If you want to be fully insured
Mammy up
so you decide to risk it, and then,
if you do have an accident you have to pay them even more.
I mean, it's just brutal.
- I feel your pain, boss.
(m) (mm mm»
It's a bit sleepy isn't it?
- Don't over sell it,
it's deader than that pig, in the end.
- Yeah, sorry, it put up a bit of a fight.
- Do you reckon they know how to fix carts here?
- I doubt they know how to make fire here Grumio,
or walk on two legs.
- You fellas lost or summat?
- Hey, yeah, sort of,
we had a bit of a prang in the road back there.
- So I see, you're a right old state.
- [Marcus] He's fine.
It's actually our wheel we're more concerned about.
- Ooh yeah, that's a nasty one that is.
U 'mm?
- Come and look at this here.
- Ooh that's a nasty one that is.
- Yes, thank you, we're aware of how nasty it is,
we're more trying to get it repaired
so we can get on to Tuscany, before dark ideally.
- All right, well we'll give it a go.
You need some new spokes, mind.
= Really,
- Yeah, I'll get my man onto it.
I don't know if he can do it by nightfall though.
- Thanks so much.
I'm Marcus by the way, this is Jason and Grumio.
- Hey, I'm Atlas, this is my daughter Calypso.
Welcome to Soggy Ditch.
- Here, if you're hanging about,
you boys should join us for dinner.
- We should, I completely agree.
- Right, Cally, tell Nanna we got three more need feeding,
I believe she's down vineyard.
- [Calypso] Right you are.
- Sorry, you have a vineyard?
- Yeah, we make the best wine in the valley
if I do say so myself.
Here, bide where you be and I'll shows you.
(um
- Let's get you seen to and all.
- Oh yeah, do see to me.
(Calypso laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Ah, you're a wine lover then are you, Marcus?
- You could say that, Atlas.
Full disclosure, we actually run
the swankiest wine bar in Rome.
That's why we're on our way
to Tuscany to stock up the old cellar.
- Oh, well then, you'll need to give me your expert opinion.
I don't know bugger all about all that.
- Ah, by all means, mm.
Mm, oh yeah, that's got a lovely big nose,
yeah, long legs, a good body, generally.
Right-s, m:
to your lush Tuscan stuff mind,
apart from the difference in price. (laughs)
- Yeah well, Tuscan stuff is lush, you're not wrong.
But, is it too lush?
I honestly wonder whether my customers wouldn't prefer
something more earthy and cheap like, well, this.
- Huh, well I ain't never sold my wine
outside the village before.
Do you think them snooty, city folks might go for it?
- Ah, if it came with a personal recommendation
Mammy.
I tell you what, you do me a deal for a few barrels now,
and if it sells I'll come back for a few hundred later.
- A few hundred?
' Mm?
- Gar, I'll drink to that. (laughs)
Wm)
(upbeat music)
# Oh, oh, oh #
- You one of them Roman buggers joining us
for dinner then are ya?
- I am yeah, Grumio, what is for dinner please?
- Beef and truffle stew.
- Oh.
Oh, new then, that is extremely scrummy.
Beef and what, sorry?
- Truffle, our local treasure.
Don't tell me you never had 'em?
- I have not, no.
This is not a food I recognise.
- What are you playing at?
You're only meant to have shavings.
- Oh, well, shavings aren't really a quantity I recognise.
Go on, give us another bite.
- No, get off with you, shoe, go on.
(upbeat music)
- So then I said, "How about I take 2O barrels for 200?"
which is half what we'd have paid in Tuscany.
- Magic, and what's the wine like?
- Yeah, it seems fine, I mean, I have no idea honestly.
- It's red, it's wet, it's getting me lass,
what's not to like?
- Beef and truffle stew,
with roast tatties and buttered cabbage.
- If it's okay with you boys,
we like to offer thanks before we eat.
To Mother Earth, for giving us the fruit of her soil
and the flesh of her flock
that we will enjoy together tonight, amen.
- Amen.
- And also to, not Mother Earth per se,
but well, our lucky stars we had a prang so close
to Soggy Ditch and this wonderful family.
- Love it.
- To new friends.
- And to no more chit chat so I can eat my truffley stew.
(Am mm»
- Master. - Yeah?
- Sorry to be barging in like this.
- That's all right Vulcan, what is it lad?
- Well I just wanted to say
that I'm done mending wheel
if your guests care to be leaving directly.
- Ah, right, fantastic.
That's okay though, thanks.
We're in no rush, now we've got our wine.
- As you have it.
Oh, I've not seen Caesar lately.
I'm worried that somethinge gone happened to him.
- Caesar, he was stabbed to death 2O years ago.
Did the news not make it here?
- No, no, no, Caesar is the name of our pig.
- [Vulcan] He's not come in for his tea, sir.
- Well it's unlike old greedy guts to skip a meal.
Don't you worry he'll be snuffling away
in his trough come morning.
- Oh, I'm sure he will.
Maybe we should get going now,
in fact, while it's still light.
- It won't stay light for long.
Sun drops fast 'round here.
You boys should stay over I say.
- Very sensible, yeah, I agree.
- Yeah, and you've too much wine in you lad.
We don't want you having another prang now do we?
KN mm» (mum: mm)
- So this area here, we call the forum.
- No way, we've got one of them in Rome.
' (gasps) Go on!
K mm»
I don't know what you do in your one,
but here's where we have all our big get togethers.
We once had 25 people here.
- [Jason] Wow.
- That's Old Tree there.
Then, down by here is our famous Soggy Ditch.
- No way, this is it?
Ger, I'm star struck.
So is it always soggy?
Like even new in summer?
- You tell me.
(bath
- Really, you wanna do this here, now?
- Well, we've reached the end of our tour,
so, there's bugger all else to do.
- But I mean, in the actual ditch?
( Music)
Yes, it is quite soggy, to be fair.
(Calypso moaning)
- [Marcus] Stop hogging the covers, Grumio.
- I like having summat between me legs.
- And I like having something on my body,
and can you stop making that weird sucking noise?
It's like sleeping in a sink.
- S02, yeah, I'm just searching me teeth
for bits of truffle.
I want more, I'm gonna get more.
- No, you're not.
You're going to sleep so we can leave first thing.
Just dream about truffles instead, with less covers.
(upbeat music)
- Bingo.
(rooster crowing)
- So you had your roll in the hay then?
- Well it was more like a fuck in the mud, but yeah.
- Oh lovely, well pack up your things, we're off.
- What, why would we leave now?
- Well, why wouldn't we?
I got my wine, Grumio got his stew, you got your hottie.
We all got what we came for.
- Well I'd like to get mine again if pass,
maybe a few times.
- Oh, could we please for once leave somewhere
before everyone hates us.
Before Atlas finds out you drove a spoke into his pig,
and then did something similar to his daughter.
- This isn't just some holiday fling, mate,
I really like this girl.
Me and Cally could be together forever, or some of forever,
you know, a couple of weeks maybe.
But either way, I'm staying here til it's run its course.
You boys head back without me.
(upbeat music)
Cally, whoop.
'Oi!
- [Jason] You all right, geez?
You ain't seen Cally around have you? (groans)
- Cally is mine.
Do you hear me, city man?
I loves her, I do.
I loves her since we was babies.
- (gasping) All right chill, I don't want any agg okay?
- That dirty thing, what you gotta be doing it
by my cottage then, eh?
Squelching around down in Soggy Ditch,
and making animal noises, right under my face it be.
- The position was Cally's idea in every sense.
- Don't you dare blame Cally.
You, you, you warmer.
We got code 'round here.
Never heard of a country code?
- Yeah, sure like, don't start fires, always shut the gate.
- Two men after the same girl has to fight for her,
to the death.
- Oh right, I've not heard of that one.
- Well, now you know.
Forum, sundown, and bring a blade,
'cause I am gonna gut you, city man.
I'm gonna gut you like a badger.
(upbeat music)
- [Marcus] And how much for the wheel?
- Oh, no, no, no, that's on me.
Ad?
- Oh, wow, that's incredibly kind.
- You lads are welcome here any time,
especially to buy all that wine.
- Then you'd better get making it.
Wm)
- Atlas! - Eh?
- You moved my truffles somewhere?
I need 'em for market.
- [Atlas] Now Nanna, why would I go
and do a thing like that?
- [Nanna] Well, someone's moved 'em.
- Right, well we should get going.
- We really should, yeah.
- I thought you wanted
to let your relationship run its course?
- Yeah, it did, it sort of sprinted its course in the end.
- It was you weren't it, salty?
You snaffled my truffles.
- Bye then, thanks for having us.
- Hold up, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on up.
Oncoming!
- Atlas, it's Caesar.
We found him on the road.
- Oh dear, that is a nasty one.
K musk?)
- Right, so by my reckoning you owe me another 250 denarii.
- 250, are you out of your mind?
- Grumio, please, are you out of your mind though?
You got all your wine back.
- Yeah, we only killed like, one pig.
- That weren't any old pig though,
Caesar were a prize truffle hunter.
He'd earn us a fortune every summer
with what he'd snuffle out.
Then there's the truffles your man child stole,
and the cart repairs.
- Ah, I thought that was a token of our growing friendship?
Yeah, but now that friendship's
shrunk down to fuck all.
- Sure, and I get that, just, we don't have that kinda cash.
- You told me you owned the swankiest bar in Rome.
- Yeah, that was a bit of a perky,
if you'll pardon the expression.
- What a surprise.
Well, you'll just have to work off the debt then, won't ya?
On the farm.
- Oh, okay, that might not be so bad.
- Sure we can pick some grapes or summat,
one for you, one for me.
- No, no, no, no,
you'll be tilling the south field, down by there.
Should only take a month or so.
I'll fetch some tools directly.
(upbeat music)
- Morning.
- [Jason] Hey, Cally, hi.
- All right my lover?
Last night were lush weren't it?
- Yeah, it was, well, quite a lot like that I guess.
- (laughs) Get on all fours tonight
and we'll try and fill a bucket.
- Yeah, I might not make it through til then,
your talking scarecrow ex-boyfriend wants
mama?
- Oh, bleedin' hell, does he?
I didn't mean for that to happen.
- Didn't you though?
'Cause you did choose to get jiggy right outside his lair.
- I just wanted him to get the message
that me and him was over, and that he should drop it.
- Well, he didn't get the message.
In fact, the whole message getting part of his brain seems
to be made of cheese or something.
- Well, this is a right pickle.
- No shit, he's gonna gut me like a badger.
- Oh dear, well lovely meeting you anyway.
- Hang on, can't we sit down
and talk about this like grown ups?
Please, or at least find a solution
that doesn't involve him turning me inside out.
(upbeat music)
- I'd rather have the fork than the spoon to be honest.
- It's a spade not a spoon, you clad.
Oh don't tell me you boys never done no digging afore?
- Not really, Rome's mainly paved.
- Yeah.
- Well get to it, then I'll have a carrot for you at noon.
- Carrot, what about the stew?
- Stew is for guests.
- Okay, come on Grumio,
if we really knuckle down we can get this done
in a couple of weeks or so. (groans)
- Why is the ground so hard?
- I don't know, it just sort of is.
- No, sorry, not for me.
- Oh please Grumio, I'm not doing this on my own.
- Let's not do it at all then.
Oi, Atlas, Atlas son, we're not doing your digging, mate.
- What, what are you playing at?
- You get to work, lad, or I'll lash you.
- No ta, how about I find another way of paying you back?
- Oh no, I ain't gonna bed you boy, you ain't my type.
- No, sorry, I mean finding you a fuck tonne of truffles.
- And how are you gonna do that?
You murdered my pig, remember?
- I'll use my truffle sense.
- Your what sorry?
- That very first nibble gave me some freaky powers.
I could sniff out them smelly buggers anywhere.
- Is he soft up top or summat?
- He is soft-ish up top, yeah,
but in fairness he did find Nanna's stash last night.
- Trust me, I can be the new Caesar,
if you just give me a chance.
- Looks like we're going truffle hunting.
I'll round up the cousins.
(upbeat music)
Jed!
Art!
(Sheep baairlg)
- Thank you both for agreeing to be here,
it's a massive first step.
Why don't we start by saying
what we're hoping to get out of the session?
And remember, there's no wrong answers, Cally?
- I suppose I want Vulcan to get
that I need to see other fellas.
- Great, and Vulcan what do you want?
- I wants Cally.
- Right, but if she wants to see other guys, then?
- I'll kill 'em.
- No, that's not gonna work.
- What, you said there's no wrong answers.
- Well sometimes there are.
That is a wrong answer.
Are you sure you don't wanna be with him, Cally?
If you really search your heart.
- I have done and I'm sure.
- Search a little harder then?
You know really have a nosy round.
- Nah, the thought of his big flappy hands
on me turns my stomach.
(Vulcan screams)
- I know, what about an open relationship?
- Well what's that then?
That sounds modern.
- It is, yeah, it's all the rage in Rome.
It's where a couple stay together,
but are also free to diddle other people.
- Oh no, that won't do.
I wants Cally for mine and mine only,
and that's an end to it.
- Well, I'm sorry Vulcan, but you can't have me.
You'll just have to murder everyone I sleeps with.
- Fine, I will then.
- Well no, don't give up now.
Look, violence isn't the answer.
- Hang on, he ain't trying to help us at all,
he just don't want me to gut him.
- Well, obviously, look, this has got nothing to do with me,
this is between you and Cally,
if anything, you should be gutting her.
- Don't be daft.
- This has to be settled by the fellas,
it's how we do it 'round here.
I will come and watch though.
(upbeat music)
- See you at sundown then, city man. (laughs)
- I'd offer some words of advice,
but I've not really been
in this highly specific situation before.
- I just need to think like a pig, I reckon.
- Ah, shouldn't be too hard for you.
- I mean, I've not had a wash in a while to be fair.
Harm)
- Release the pig.
(Grumio sniffing)
(upbeat music)
(Grumio sniffing)
Mn».
# Oh, you have truff #
# Oh, you got truffles #
# Eenie, meenie, meenie, loving ya #
# Your dog have got truffs #
# He got busted, he will need to come back #
(Grumio sniffing)
- Oh, he's found one.
He's only bloody found one.
- We're on a roll now, baby.
- No, that's badger shit.
Men greening)
- Creeping off are you?
Like the shit pot weasel you are?
- What, no, I wasn't creeping off.
I was creeping around, you know, for fitness.
- Pig dirt, you was fleeing,
and if I can't trust you to turn up on time,
we're gonna do this right here, right now.
- Well hang on, I haven't even got a weapon.
- There's a stick there, look.
- Oh no wait, come on, Vulcan mate, don't do this.
(Vulcan groans) Hey!
Look, as soon as you meet another girl
you'll be over Cally in a flash, I know you will.
- What other girl?
The only other girl around here is me sister.
- And is that, not an option?
- Not really no, it's frowned on. (yells)
- You just need to get out there more, meet new women.
- It's stupid talk, where would I go?
- Rome's full of girls,
girls that would go mad for your backward country charm.
- Really, you reckon?
- Big time, hey, why don't you come with us
and find out for yourself?
- Oh, I suppose.
I mean, if Cally won't have me
there's bugger all for me here.
- Yeah, now you're talking sense, boy.
- All right then, yeah, I'm in.
Suppose I'd better not cut you open now then, eh?
- Ideally not yeah, good shout, yay!
- Come here.
- Okay, ow, oh I'm so happy.
(Mk-mans
- Me truffle sense must have fogged up or summat.
Probably got a sniffle
from you nicking the covers last night.
- (laughs) Yeah, could be that.
Could be my fault, or maybe your truffle sense
never existed in the first place.
- I found the stash didn't I?
I sniffed out the right jar.
- Mm-hmm, so you knew they'd be in one of the jars then?
- Well yeah, I mean--
- And how many jars did you look in
mum
- Only about, yeah, most of 'em.
- Ah, suddenly a bit less impressive isn't it?
- Mm.
- [Jason] Oi, boys.
- Where the bloody hell have you been?
Get digging.
- Fuck that bruv, come on we're bouncing.
- Bouncing, bouncing how?
- I'll show you.
(upbeat music)
- Hang on, we've nearly earned those carrots. (groans)
- I needs to stay with you for a spell mind,
just 'til I finds me feet.
I could share a bed with the tiddler here.
- Great, sounds wicked.
- We're taking the terrifying simpleton then are we?
- We are, yeah, trust me,
it was the best option on the table.
Mum
Hurry up Vulcan.
- Right you are.
- Atlas, those boys be trying to scarper, Atlas!
- What! - No, you're kidding me!
- See you, Cally!
I'm going down Rome,
I'm gonna get me one of those open relationships
- Well, I'm glad you two kissed and made up.
- Yeah, no thanks to you, I could have been butchered today.
- Get back here! - You still might,
if you don't get a wiggle on.
- Oh shit, the cousins.
- [Jason] They've genuinely got pitchforks!
- (screams) Make the horsey go faster!
- I'm trying, she's struggling with the extra weight!
- Get back here you buggers.
- We need to lighten the load.
- Not the wine, we need that!
- It's not enough, we need more speed.
- Hey Vulcan, how much dd you say you weigh?
- Say about... 3 and a half sheep?
- That'll do. (laughs)
(Vulcan screams)
- Come back you fuckers!
- (yelling) Eat my dust you mouth breathing bitch! (laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Well that was all a complete waste of time.
- As if, that was one
of the all time great road trips, mate.
- Yeah, that wasn't exactly my primary aim,
and we are going home with fuck all.
- I wouldn't say that mate,
someone just found a cheeky truffle in his pocket.
Must have fell in there last night.
- Nice one.
- Ah, no, no, that is, that is badger poo. (groans)
(Jason and Marcus laughing)
# Ah, ah, ah, ah #
# Do it again, babe #
# Ah, ah, ah, ah #
# Give it time #
# I came, I saw, I conquered #
# Can I conquer you #
# Can you believe #
# I came, I saw, I conquered #
# Can I conquer you #
# Oh yeah #
# Can I conquer, I came, I saw #